While Christmas has come and gone, I think this is a relevant topic across holidays in general, and one that many people are not aware of it.
Holidays can be hard. And for some people, for a variety of reasons, holidays can be so hard and anxiety-provoking that there can almost be a sense of 'dread' around holiday time. I am one of those people - not all the time, but enough of the time that I usually am quite uneasy around the holidays (not just Christmas, but many holidays in general). After some discussion this past Christmas season with a couple different friends, I realized that 1) I am not alone - there are quite a few folks who struggle to find the 'holiday cheer', and 2) this is also a topic that many people are not aware of or do not understand. So I thought it'd be a good topic to discuss and share some of my personal experience as to some main reasons of why this is, as well as a few ways we can try and alleviate some of that anxiety or help those who may be struggling.
1) Food, food, FOOD.
It isn't a hidden fact that food is not everywhere during holiday times. Birthday cakes are a must for blowing out those candles; Valentine's and Halloween candies are what these holidays are built around; toasting alcohol on New Year's Eve is a universal tradition; Christmas is filled with special goodies that are only available this time of year....and Thanksgiving...well, that one's pretty obvious.
Now, I must caveat by saying that, as someone recovering from an eating disorder, food situations are always extremely difficult, but the focus on food (and alcohol) can be difficult for people for numerous reasons. Think of someone trying to lose weight or fight an alcohol addiction: they may be doing really really well in their journey, but suddenly are flooded with their biggest temptations - accompanied by comments such as "Oh, just have one cookie, it's the holidays after all!" or "Live a little, have some fun!". But to these people, the holidays are requiring the utmost of strength just to "get through" - and in the process, the joy that once surrounded the holiday season disappears.
2) Absence of routine or structure.
Not knowing plans for my day ahead of time - or having a day filled with a plan to do very little - is extremely tough for numerous reasons, some related to my eating disorder and some related to my Type A personality. An eating disorder is very much a desire for control - often also a feature of Type A personalities - and not knowing plans equals not having control. Combine that lack of control with the possibility of spontaneous challenging situations (like suddenly going out to dinner at a restaurant where you are not comfortable with any of the food options), and those unstructured holidays can become very anxiety-provoking.
2) "Relaxation" = Lack of productivity.
It's no secret to those around me that I have trouble 'relaxing'. While many of my family members find peace in a relaxing vacation to the cottage up north, lying on the beach all day long, with no set schedule or itinerary, a trip like this fills me with EXTREME anxiety. Couple the lack of knowing plans in advance (as discussed above) with the thought of "not being productive" and well, my brain starts going crazy. And I know many others who struggle with this. In our 'go-go-go' society, we are often told that if we are not being productive, multitasking and checking off tasks left and right, that we are not spending our time in a worthwhile manner - that we are LAZY. So while self-care and setting aside time to relax -especially during holidays - should be something enjoyable and that we incorporate into our otherwise busy leaves, many people can struggle with the concept.
3) Expectations
This is actually a big one that took me a while to recognize. We are flooded with images of the 'ideal' holiday at every turn - from holiday movies, marketing campaigns, songs, and even hearing others' experiences. This can then lend itself to a tendency to set expectations around holidays - often subconsciously - of both what our holiday 'should' look like and feel like, as well as how we expect our family and friends to be feeling (happy).
The problem is, things rarely goes as planned, and that often includes holidays. Now, obviously big events - like major illnesses that lead to hospital visits, or flight delays that interfere with travel plans - can disrupt holiday time and put a damper on one's spirits. But the 'failing to meet expectations' that I'm referring to is on a much smaller scale: something as simple as an uneventful birthday. Suppose a birthday falls on a weekday, when everyone is at the office and nothing special happens; or maybe on a weekend, but family is busy and no one really celebrates. What would have been just another average (or even good) day suddenly becomes depressing because "it's my birthday but nothing exciting is happening". This has happened to me more times than I can count and is why I often (unfortunately) say that I just hate birthdays. It is not usually that the day itself is exceptionally terrible, but rather, it's often just...exceptionally ordinary. But because I have this idea in my head that it must be filled with overwhelming joy and excitement, I am then let down and disappointed. This same idea can apply to any holiday where, what may have ended up being just another ordinary day becomes viewed as a disappointment simply because it doesn't match Hallmark's depictions of the "perfect holiday".
4) Past experiences weigh us down.
Bad memories that occurred near or around past holiday times can greatly affect future holidays. Now, "past experiences" can encompass a broad array of events, so I will use mine as an example here (though I will acknowledge that there are probably many others who have experienced much more traumatic events that can 'ruin' holidays for them).
As someone who suffered with an eating disorder since I was 11, those were some prime holiday years there spent in the depths of a mental illness. And, as mentioned above briefly, the food aspect of holidays alone makes them extremely difficult. Growing up, when most kids were ECSTATIC for the holidays, I spent time dreading their arrival, and then spent most of the actual day fighting with my parents over what I would/wouldn't eat, being upset when the rest of the family would notice that I was eating "differently" than everyone else and "causing a scene", and just waiting for the whole dang day to end. It took away from not only my enjoyment of the holiday, but that of my parents and even my extended family as well.
So now, even when I am in a much better state and can eat along with everyone else, I can't help but think back to those times. I can't help but still feel guilt over the time I took away from the rest of my family, and feel an 'expectation' of sorts (again with the expectations!) to make up for lost time. I put the pressure on myself to be sure not only to not to repeat the past, but also to try and experience the holiday almost "extra" to make up for all the time I missed. The memories, along with guilt and pressure to not let history repeat itself, can weigh you down and take away from the joy of the holiday.
With this said, by recognizing these things, over time I have discovered some ways to help me feel a little more comfortable around the holidays and battle some of the issues above - it's still a work in progress, but here are a few tips that have helped me (and may help you as well if you're struggling):
1) Talk to family and friends.
Let them know what's going on and that you are struggling. Maybe reach out to a family member you trust, and let them know that the holiday will be difficult for you; then you can have them as a resource during family gatherings if needed. Another tip that works for me: if you have little ones in the family (and you like kids) - go play with them! There is no better way to get yourself out of your own mind than to play with little children. They also are a good reminder of what's important in life: they could care less about what you weigh, your success at work, etc - they're just excited for you to play with them!
2) Don't be afraid to say 'no'.
This one is tricky. Eating disorders, for example, thrive on isolation - so in the worst of my illness, I would avoid social activity and isolate myself because, by doing so, I could "stay safe", and I could fully engage in my eating disorder and not worry about anyone else getting in the way. So it's difficult for me to know when I'm saying "no" to a social invitation because I just am nervous/isolating/staying in what's "safe", or if I'm truly doing what's best for my own mental sanity. That said, alone time - or even just time to relax - is also extremely important (but easily overlooked during the holidays). Rather than saying "yes" to every single invite that comes your way, take a second to look at your schedule and think about whether adding another function will enhance your week or make you feel more drained/overwhelmed. Finding the right balance can be difficult - especially when you only have limited time home or off work and want to see everyone! Sometimes opting for a more "low-key" event - such as dinner, coffee, or a movie, rather than a crazy night out - can be a good way to balance things out without just saying "no".
3) Keep some of your routine.
Like I said above, some people can enter panic mode when their routine goes out the window. During holidays, it's a given that you likely won't be able to keep your 'standard' routine 100%; however, if you can maybe work in bits and pieces of your "normal" schedule, it may help alleviate some of the anxiety. Whether it's keeping consistent with your workout schedule in the morning, or maybe sticking with your evening meditation/journalling/self-care routing, or even something as small as keeping either your wake-up time or bedtime relatively the same - maintaining even a few pieces of your normal schedule can help make the spontaneity and disarray of the holidays a little less overwhelming.
4) Be kind to yourself.
A friend once told me "You are doing the best you can for the situation you've been given". This phrase sticks with me when I start to get hard on myself, especially around holidays when I become angry with myself, saying "Why can't you just be like everyone else? Why can't you just eat normally? Why can't you just go with the flow". My situation is different than others'. I have a past and I have unique struggles that I need to overcome. Maybe I am not able to be as flexible as everyone else, or as 'in-the-moment' as I would like, but I am trying. Sometimes you need to give yourself a little credit and cut yourself a break if you're not in a perfect place.
Hopefully this post shed some light on why not everyone finds the holidays to be an inevitably happy time, and maybe provided some coping strategies to others out there that struggle with 'feeling the joy' during times when everyone else is struggling - just know you're not alone.
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